outlet

when we love

people can often distinguish those who play and those who do not

those who don’t take love seriously and those who even venerate the word.

i seem to agree with them

but my actions do not.

i love

fast

i fall

fast

yet i fade

fast.

player?

i don’t think so.

guilty?

hell no.

well

for the first time in my life

i realized why i am like this

unlike others

who just wait

I’m the one here

looking and searching for what it seems like a lost ring in this vast ocean

called the earth.

and in this mortal body

lies a hungry soul

in search of his lost soul mate

well yeah

i believe in soul mates

and i believe that someone is there

waiting for me to fetch her

and take her with me.

now

am i loving insincerely?

hell no again!!

this is what most people misinterpret

well as far as I’m concerned.

i cry.

so much

when i’m in pain

when i’m hurt

when my hurt is broken

may it be for a lost love

for an uncompensated loved

or for an unreconciled one.

i cry

but i learn to love again.

and i remember

that my life is just short

and there are at least 4 billion people living in this world

why would i waste my time crying and wondering why that one person wasn’t the right one for me?

shouldn’t i stand up

and move forward

and continue the journey

of which i already planned in the start?

it’s not that i forget them easily

but i easily forget the pain

the pain that could cause me to not love anymore.

well

i don’t force anyone who reads this to believe or agree with me.

and the hell do i care anyway?

i love

truly

whether people believe me or not

and until i realize that we’re not meant for each other

i can love till forever.

and i say forever.

half empty…

that’s the state of my heart right now…

well for some reasons i can’t seem to pinpoint

this heart of mine just keep losing its grip…

i don’t know what to do,

I’m dumbfounded

helpless in this situation I’m into.

the heart is getting weaker

getting more vulnerable to pain and sacrifice

i don’t want this

i really don’t

yet it seems that whatever thought i come up to

i end up asking myself why

why the hell did i get myself involved once again

if this time of fear

of weariness

of fading

would come to me once again?…

this is for you…

Lost in you
Gareth Brooks

There’s no more waiting
Holding out for love
You are my Godsend
That I have been forever dreaming of
My angel from above

Heaven knows
I’m head over heels and it shows
I’ve played every field I suppose
But there’s something about you
When you’re around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you.

What is this feeling
I’ve never known before
That I should touch you
Swearing to surrender ever more
That’s what I came here for

Heaven knows
I’m head over heels and it shows
I’ve played every field I suppose
But there’s something about you
When you’re around
Baby I have found
I get lost in a wonderful daze
Lost in your wonderful ways

Heaven knows

When you’re around
Baby I have found
I get lost

Heaven knows
I’m head over heels and it shows
I’ve played every field I suppose
But there’s something about you
When you’re around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you ….

i miss you…

i just can’t seem to get hold of myself

i just can’t find the remedy to my pain

the pain i inflict to myself

only to myself

by myself.

here i go again

stuck in the middle

can’t get out of this quicksand i’m into

sucking the light out of me

just with a blink of an eye

i can’t do anything

stuck

again.

never learned.

now

i feel helpless

i really don’t know why

but thoughts just keep running on my mind

this absence

this distance

has just made my heart sink

reality check

"mejo di ko na kinakaya ‘to"

hahaha…

i thought this is something easy

but now iv realized it’s not

i just find myself with tears falling as songs play on my radio

songs that sting my heart

pain of distance, of absence

which makes my dull life, extra dull!

hahaha… need to get this off my system…

need to stand up and be strong!

i’m the man

i won’t give in

i won’t….

well

sometimes

we have to just pretend we’re okay

so that people won’t bother looking at our pain

but sometimes

these pretensions

just make us feel worse

that even for some reasons

maybe even for no apparent reasons

we get hurt

we cry

because all of the pain that’s kept inside our minds and hearts

just didn’t seem to go away…

way beyond paranoia i guess

well…

maybe i am just thinking too much

and thinking too much

leads to sadness

then depression

then tears

then numbness

then… (?)

well.. maybe i’m just overreacting to things around me

to events happening (and maybe also those that will happen) to me…

if i only i cud get rid off this feeling

it’s already making me sick

so sick…

i love you
i may feel this now so much….
and the next day, it will not be the same again…
uncertainty?
i don’t think so…

what’s keeping people apart from their loved ones
is the fact that things just can’t help but change
and the ones who are not really meant for them will never be for them forever

cynic?
nah…
agnostic?
maybe…
realist?
most probably..

after what i’ve been through
promises made and broken
love made and torn apart
heart beated and died
surely these things led me to be this way…

but..

should I now say that is impossible?

well..
i don’t think so too…
yes
i do doubt the essence of the word "forever"
but i can’t say that it is impossible
proofs?
never mind.
i don’t need them
what about possibilities?
there is always a possibility
and facts alone give us no room for possibilities.

so now, i love you.
however
i won’t anymore promise it’s forever
but as long as i’m happy
and i’m in love
i can believe..
that it is possible….

well yeah, i really should make things happen…

get rid of my stupidity and weaknesses

get rid of my laziness

start doing the job

quit asking

stop wondering

just do it.

lame.

hehe.. not really me eh?

i just want to move

move with my own two feet

without asking anyone for help

(level of pride rising!)

well yeah, iv been dependent to other people sometimes

too dependent….

i can’t get things done on my own….

(now level of self esteem going down rapidly!)

this is me…

with a confused mind

with an undecided mindset

but what’s something interesting

is that what i expected least to be the most stable part of my system

my heart

has been functioning well these past few days…

maybe for a few reasons i guess..

i learned to control my temper..

i learned to be more patient…

to wait….

to love someone despite the distance and lack of communication…

thanks to her…

now i’m starting to see the strength my heart really has

which i wasn’t able to see for the past few years of my life…

choi…

missing u so badly!

hehe but sill holding on to our deal…

now im making things happen!

how i sometimes hate being involved in an emotional dilemma

the same feeling of drunkenness, hazy, irrational, numb.

i want to cry, yet no tears just seem to flow down from my eyes.

i want to scream, but the world around me just won’t allow me to even speak.

i want to fight and get up, yet it seems that even doing so for the right reason is considered a sin…

when will i ever learn…

when will i ever stand up and fight despite the contradictions and submission

when…